Disturbance at Church

Yesterday I woke up before church, and the only thing I had for breakfast was a candy bar and some cookies. Not that I am complaining, but stores/cafes/bakeries are closed on Sunday, and I really didn't have much of an choice. Although I was perfectly ok with my breakfast selection (I popped a daily vitamin to even things out), my stomach started to feel really gassy on my way to church. The walk was a good 20 minutes, so I figured I got everything out by the time I sat in the pew. The first 30 minutes of the service elapsed without a peep, but that was because I was sitting down and "the pathway was blocked", let's say. When the congregation finally stood up to sing a hymn, before the song began, I let a rip ... completely without warning. I nervously shuffled my foot and SNIFFED, as if I could retroactively muffle it out. Why do people sniff? Why did I sniff? It only drew more attention to myself. Maybe it's just to add a noise to the collection of noises you are "intentionally" making. "Listen to me! I sniffed, which goes perfectly with my feet shuffling performance including one shuffle that sounded exactly like a fart. Just conducting my own little orchestra over here. Maybe I'll incorporate tapping on the pew in front of me..." *TAP TAP TAP*
Or maybe I sniff as a knee jerk reaction to show that it's no big deal that I farted. *fart* ... *sniff* "What are you looking at? I fart, I sniff, I do whatever I want to do in this church... Either way, I'll time the two better next time so that they coincide.